


Prelude

by restfulsky5



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Childhood abandonment, Family, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Pre-Five Year Mission, crew fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-14
Updated: 2015-01-27
Packaged: 2018-03-07 12:09:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3173368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/restfulsky5/pseuds/restfulsky5
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A burgeoning discovery of family challenges Jim and his friends won't allow him to work through his pain alone this time. </p><p>An exploration of the day prior to the five year mission.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This four-part story came about as a desire to provide some tender moments for the crew before they set off into the black. What began as a one-shot evolved quickly into this 11,000 word fic which explores more than a decision Jim must make- it explores friendship and family in a hurt/comfort sort of way. Joanna comes along for the ride here in this fic, McCoy is the ever-faithful best friend, and Spock is the logic that challenges Jim. Thank you, DLB48, for the wonderful beta assistance!
> 
> This story is the first of four fics that I have written for my Escape Artist verse.

Jim awakened slowly and purposefully, luxuriating in a rare moment of contentment as he peeled his eyes open to greet the morning. Dancing light rays flanked by staccato silhouettes gracefully played across the living room floor of his apartment. The sight mesmerized him as he struggled to emerge from his deep sleep. Quietly contemplating the last full day he had on Earth for five years, he finally came out of his mental cocoon. Jim raised his arms behind his head in a comfortable stretch and peered down at himself, startling at the amusing sight. Two pink, fluffy slippers peeked out from underneath his blanket.

With boyish whimsy carried over from the previous night, he wiggled his legs and feet and chuckled lightly. The slippers most certainly donned his own feet. Joanna hadn't been kidding around when she'd given them to him, stating with her luminous blue eyes that they were a present for him and on his feet they must stay. Somehow, the too-small slippers kept their position, perhaps the result of a certain little girl's magic, that magic being a combination of love and imagination.

Aware that he could awaken the fair-haired sleeping beauty who lay partially on him and partially on her father, Jim eased from underneath the four year old's quiet and still form as best he could. He laid her on the blanket he'd abandoned. She never stirred but breathed evenly and softly against his arms, only letting out one small, indelicate snore that tickled his skin. Jim smiled as he lifted his arms away from the little girl. He removed his honorary slippers and had just begun to rise when a bigger snore came from her father. The noise sounded like it came from a pig rather than a southern doctor. Fighting the urge to let out a full-fledged laugh, Jim scrambled away from the two McCoys.

His bare feet crunched a few stray Space-O's. He stopped short, wincing and hunching simultaneously at the sound that could awaken sleeping beauty and her father. He glanced furtively at his guests. They remained asleep and Jim inched carefully in the direction of his bedroom, managing to escape any other remnants of their late night cereal binge. Lights weren't necessary. He'd kept a few blinds open for they'd watched the stars, a favorite past time that Joanna and Jim shared and enjoyed together.

He dressed carelessly, hardly glancing at the shirt he pulled over his head or the shorts he stepped into. He neglected to comb his hair and hastily tied his shoes. An unsavory thought was heralded in as he reached for his water bottle beside his bed and pushed away the happy time he had spent with Joanna. They'd frolicked the night before in all sorts of play and in every little silliness the little girl desired. It left him so suddenly that Jim's breath caught painfully. With a strangled sigh, Jim dropped his hand and sunk onto the edge of his bed. He stared at the floor, wondering why he had to think of such a thing, today of all days. He'd no time to ponder life's mysteries, his mother's choices, or her bearing on his own life. He repeated the day's itinerary silently in an attempt to force her out of his mind but her presence infiltrated so deeply that Jim could not find a place of reprieve.

This wasn't the first occurrence. In fact, a month ago Jim had been plagued with the same thoughts and the only way he'd escaped Winona was by being snide to Bones, who'd called him on it immediately. He couldn't use his friend as an outlet for his anger as he had before. Bones' time was precious with his daughter and today being the last day he'd see her for five years, Jim's selfish desire to unload on his friend had to be suppressed. He'd hold it in this time, even if it caused himself more pain.

His mother couldn't be worth the agony, could she? Jim swallowed and rubbed the back of his neck nervously. Perhaps in another universe he'd call her. It had to be done someday. But today and in this universe, he could not. He'd run, just as he'd planned.

Jim lurched to his feet. He grabbed his music audio and earbuds before stumbling out his bedroom door and sneaking past his still-sleeping guests. If Jim didn't leave now, he'd miss his chance to try to rid himself of the troubling decision. Bones would see the panic in Jim's expression and stop him.

Jim stepped out of the complex and instead of the additional sunlight giving him an encouraging and bright outlook for the ceremonial day, it instilled even more hysteria. His mother would not hide from either the light or the dark. She was ambiguous much like everything which haunted him. Jim began his run with no regard to anything but racing himself to exertion and beyond the ability to think.

Music pounded in his ears as he ran for perhaps an hour, maybe even more, past the Starfleet campus and into a civilian park. His burden lifted as he sped by other early risers, although he himself was unaware of it disappearing. The very moment Jim's mother all but disappeared, he spied a lone boy, not much older than Joanna, standing on the top of a knoll. Slowing to a jog, he rounded the singular person, not wanting to approach but nudged by a mental warning to carefully observe.

Within seconds, Jim's instincts were confirmed.

As Jim silently observed the forlorn but otherwise angelic boy before him, his heart constricted painfully. Blonde hair crowned the child's face and his features were youthfully handsome, wet eyes and tear-stained cheeks aside. A small hand fisted and wiped eyes, then nose. The boy never looked around but remained curled into himself. Once-receding memories of his own mother and feelings of childhood abandonment resurfaced, provoking his decision to act.

No one stood near the child and no one walking or running past seemed apt to claim him. Jim halted his jogging and began to walk the short distance to the small, rounded hill. The boy must have seen him, for Jim noticed instantly the slight tension mounting in the child's shoulders. Jim approached casually and directly in the boy's sight. He stopped halfway up the knoll, a fair enough distance away. With exaggerated movements, he stopped his music and pulled out his ear buds then bent at the knees, crouching in the neatly cut grass.

Hoping that the boy would see that Jim meant him no harm, Jim waited and simply watched. The boy's silent tears elongated with one pitiful shudder of his shoulders.

"Hi, there," Jim softly called out once the boy peered at him through his eyelashes. "I'm Jim. I was wondering, are you lost?"

The boy gave no answer but his shoulders relaxed and the bright eyes shining with tears glanced Jim's way for a longer look. Although everything in Jim wanted to pick up the small boy and console him, Jim decided to wait another moment before speaking again. He instead took stock of all occurring around them. The morning crowd thickened but still no one came to claim the child who stood so dejectedly on the knoll. The inconsequential hill, set off the beaten path, was easily visible.

In another effort to attract the boy's interest, Jim looked to the ground and plucked a mysteriously long blade of grass and tied it in a knot. He found another and another, adding each to the others until he absently formed a constellation. When he got to the tenth blade of grass and his third constellation, he spied what looked to be like pieces of a communicator by the boy's feet. Camouflaged by the grass, the few scattered components of the comm meant either someone purposely broke the device or the boy somehow had broken it himself.

Instinct told him it was the former.

He rose to his feet, constellations hanging from his hand at his side. "Do you need help with that?"

The boy wrapped his arms around him in deference and did not reply. Jim stepped closer, then again when the boy kicked the pieces towards him.

"I could probably fix it. Would you like me to?"

The boy's lips continued to tremble in his silence. His eyes watched Jim with apprehension but curiously, the child seemed to have no fear of Jim as a stranger.

"I'll get started then." Jim grabbed the four pieces and made himself comfortable by sitting on the dewy grass. His brow furrowed when he realized the boy's broken comm was no ordinary comm. He blinked up at the boy. "This is an audio-transmitter unit for the deaf."

The boy swallowed and wiped at his red-rimmed eyes and still held back. It was then Jim deduced he could not read lips. Jim smiled softly at the child. The lack of that skill would not bar Jim from communicating with him. They'd figure out what was wrong together.

 _"I'm Jim. Jim Kirk. I can fix this for you,"_ Jim signed. _"But first, where are your parents?"_

The child's face lit up with joy. He signed, _"I thought it was you. The captain. James Tiberious Kirk. But I wanted to be sure before I talked to you."_

 _"That's me,"_ Jim grinned. _"Why are you alone?"_

 _"My cousin was supposed to stay with me but his friends came over."_ The boy's face returned to its previous sad state. He sniffed and another tear spilled over onto his cheeks.

 _"They did this?"_ Jim pointed to the broken unit.

_"They said it was worthless to someone who was stupid anyways."_

_"I'm sorry,"_ Jim frowned. _"They shouldn't have said that. Are your parents here?"_

_"My mom was only going to take my little sister back to the pond. They forgot her stuffed animal. My cousin left me and I got lost."_

_"You thought being on this high hill would help your mother find you. That was smart."_

The child beamed and nodded.

 _"What's your name?"_ Jim asked.

 _"Matthew,"_ the boy spelled.

 _"Nice to meet you, Matthew. It won't take me too long to fix this."_ The boy nodded again and Jim went to work. He fingered the pieces loosely in his hands. The unit wasn't missing any partsbut one or two had received the brunt of the destruction. After properly bending and unbending the dilapidated components of the unit, Jim began to piece them together. Within another minute, Jim clicked the final parts together and handed the perfectly functioning unit back to the boy.

_"Good as new."_

_"Thank you, Captain Kirk." T_ he boy now spoke as he signed, his words halting. He hooked the unit to his belt and turned it on. The boy adjusted the tiny speakers in his ears. _"Now my mom can find me. You can talk to me now. I can hear a little with my ATU. I wasn't born deaf. It was because I was in an accident at age 4. I'm almost six.."_

 _"You're a smart boy, Matthew,"_ Jim said as the boy sat in the grass beside him. _"Never let anyone tell you differently."_

_"I can't read lips yet. I am trying."_

_"You're trying and that is what counts."_

_"I won't give up."_ The boy's chin lifted determinedly. _"I do well in school. My teachers tell me so."_

 _"I bet your mom is proud of you."_ The boy beamed his answer. To Jim's chagrin, his own eyes pricked. Jim looked away, uncomfortable with his unprecedented show of emotion. He absently twirled the green, knotted structures in his hands. _"Good. That's good."_

 _"What is that?"_ The boy pointed to Jim's oddly shaped blades of grass now resting in his palm.

 _"This."_ Jim extended his palm with one of his masterpieces. _"Is the Gemini constellation. Here, you can have it."_

The boy nodded excitedly as he draped it around his wrist _. "Thank you. The twins. They work well together. Like you and Commander Spock. I know. I learn everything about you because my aunt is in Starfleet and knows you."_

Jim blinked in surprise, both at the comparison the boy made and his obvious interest in him. _"Who is your-"_

"Matthew!" a feminine cry of relief came from the base of the knoll. Matthew jumped to his feet as the woman scurried uphill, a little girl hanging from her arm.

 _"Mom,"_ the boy signed and spoke the word with as much happiness that filled his expression. _"Look, it's Captain Kirk."_

"Matthew, why did you leave your cousin? Why couldn't I find you until now? It's been twenty minutes. Oh, Matthew." The boy's mother let go of the other child and heartily embraced him. She drew back and gazed sternly at him. "Don't do that again."

 _"I didn't do anything,"_ the boy signed. _"Drake, his friends came and sidetracked him."_

"That boy," she muttered darkly. Her expression never changed as she looked at Jim. "And you met a stranger. Wonderful."

 _"No."_ the boy shook his head. _"He helped me. He fixed my unit so you could find me."_

"You are Jim Kirk?" She questioned warily.

"I am," he nodded. "I'm sorry if I caused any trouble."

"No," she sighed and grasped her daughter's hand as the little child turned to chase after a butterfly. "You were the reason I found him so quickly. Thank you. I'm Ann, by the way."

"You're welcome, Ann." Jim hesitated, wanting to inform the woman what else this cousin of Matthew's did for the sake of Matthew's safety. "Um...speaking of that unit...Matthew wasn't the one who broke it."

"Oh," Ann's eyes widened at Jim's implication and she glanced at her son. "Matthew? Drake and his friends did this?"

"Yes."

"I'm not surprised. Things like this have happened before."

"Your son is astute and brave," Jim offered encouragingly. Matthew's eyes drifted to meet Jim's. He smiled warmly, hoping to leave Matthew in good spirits. "He thinks like an officer in Starfleet."

Ann ruffled Matthew's hair in a fond gesture. "He should. He reads up on it as much as his aunt did growing up. He also idolizes you. Well, we must go."

"Good-bye, Matthew," Jim offered his hand. Matthew shook it without hesitation, still beaming at him. "It was nice to meet you. I know you were scared, but you didn't let that fear get in the way of thinking through your problem. In fact, I think it helped you. You also didn't speak ill of your cousin and I admire that."

 _"Thank you, Captain Kirk,"_ the boy flushed lightly. _"It was nice to meet you, too."_

With that, Matthew and his mother and sister vacated the knoll. Jim remained behind and watched the trio trudge down the hill. Ann curled her arm around Matthew's shoulders, expression purely affectionate. Matthew's countenance blossomed with the confidence of his mother's love. Jim swallowed uncomfortably at the show of affection and was about to look away when the boy turned his head and sent Jim a lopsided grin.

Jim smiled faintly and waved. He was sorry to have such a short meeting with the intelligent, brave boy and hoped someday he could talk with him again. It would be doubtful, especially since Jim had not learned the name of his aunt. They became mere dots in the distance. Jim's focus lessened on his new acquaintances. Jim closed his eyes as a wave of dizziness emphasized the fact he'd been gone a long time- too long. His left leg gave in and he barely anchored his stance with his other leg as he fought the imbalance surging through his body.

Jim exhaled a rough, slow breath. His body had reached its current stage of fatigue and weariness because of poor planning and desperation. He'd forgotten that water bottle and his comm directly beside it. He'd also not eaten since the night before.

He rubbed his eyes as the internal struggle returned. He laid blame where it was due- the part of his heart which never healed and always gaped open when he was most vulnerable. The image of Matthew's family, imprinted on his mind, morphed from a happy observance to a mocking portrait of everything Jim's childhood had sorely lacked.

Jim dropped his hand limply to his side, unaware that it was now he who stood, forlorn and alone, at the peak of the knoll.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy the next installment! Two more parts after this one.

That one Leonard McCoy was frantic with worry was evident by the way he harshly yanked Jim into the apartment. Barely able to put one foot in front of the other, Jim did not appreciate the man-handling and twisted away from the doctor's grasp.

"Where on this blessed Earth have you been?" the doctor hissed. "I woke up to find you gone and not answering your comm. I was just about to leave to look for you the old fashioned way!"

"I was at the park." Jim stated simply, eager for the doctor to calm himself and let Jim sit down.

"Hmmph." the doctor groused. "You look like something the cat dragged in."

Bones frowned, inspecting Jim head to toe. Wondering why Bones was giving him such a look, Jim peeked down at himself and groaned inwardly in equal dismay. Dirt or what could be better described as splotches of mud were embedded into his shorts. A cut on his leg that Jim had no recollection of acquiring trickled blood slowly. Upon his second look, it appeared to be more a gash accompanied with a blaze of hot pain he'd not felt until now. Blades of grass clung for dear life to his socks. Sweat stains covered his shirt and perspiration still dripped from his face. Absently running a hand through matted hair he realized his rumpled appearance surpassed the norm for a morning run on Earth, even for him. Returning to the present, he realized the doctor was continuing his tirade.

"Have you been running for the past three hours? On an empty stomach, I imagine? Have you no sense? And what about your comm? I suppose you'll say you're sorry that you forgot it, never mind how much I've been worried. I've been trying to reach you for an hour."

"Yes, I was running. Yes, I forgot my comm but can we do this later?" Jim thankfully leaned against the wall before the world began to revolve around him again. "I'm a little shaky and would really like to sit before I fall down."

"Did you eat anything at all this morning?" Bones gripped Jim's shoulder, keeping him firmly upright. The doctor's gaze uncomfortably probed through Jim's passing remarks.

"No. I...no. Not yet," he admitted although Bones certainly knew he hadn't and had already vocalized a correct assumption. Jim lifted his hand and kneaded his temple where a dull ache challenged his ability to think through the doctor's simple questions.

"Jim, I just went over this with you last night."

"I know, I know and I'm sorry. I had other things on my mind." Jim brushed away from Bones' grasp, still irritated to be greeted in such a manner. He made his way to the closest chair and sank down, leaning his head back and closing his eyes in relief that he'd made it to his apartment in one piece. "Where's Joanna?"

"Here, Jim. With Uhura."

"Oh." Jim's eyes shot opened and he instantly straightened, slightly demoralized that his communications officer had heard anything he'd said, let alone noticed his appearance. The more he thought about it, walking around looking like this in front of anyone had been a terrible idea, no matter the reason behind it. "Here?"

"Good morning, Captain," Uhura's soft greeting came from the couch. Jim cleared his throat and looked across the room sheepishly at Nyota and Joanna curled up beside each other under a blanket. Joanna giggled behind her two small hands and peered delightfully at Jim in her happiness.

"Uncle Jim, you didn't see us." Joanna's eyes widened. "Why didn't you see us?"

"You're so quiet. Like a mouse," he teased. Joanna squealed and lifted the blanket over her head. Jim was tempted to join her just so that he could hide from Bones' glare.

"I'm glad to see you didn't get lost," Uhura smiled.

"No, not lost," Jim grinned tiredly. "I got tied up with something and I didn't watch the time."

"Jimmy, your bedroom. Now." The doctor stood over him, arms crossed stubbornly and eyes daring him to protest. "Before that cut drips blood on to your carpet. Or maybe you know something about interior decorating that I don't?"

"Okay," Jim quietly agreed. He had enough of his wits about him, despite the spinning room and muscle weakness, to know he'd overextended himself and deserved every bit of Bones' tough love. He couldn't deny that he felt even worse than he looked. "Uhura, thank you for watching Joanna."

"You're welcome, Captain."

"Uhura, could you stay another moment?" Jim sighed at the doctor's question. It would very likely be more than a moment that she was needed.

"Yes, pwease. Stay!" Joanna bobbed her head excitedly.

"Sure," Uhura tickled the girl lightly on her stomach, causing Joanna to keel over in laughter. "That just gives me more time to tickle you!"

"Jim." Bones perused Jim intently again and jerked his head towards Jim's bedroom.

Jim pulled himself unsteadily to his feet and dragged himself to his bedroom for the inevitable examination. Bones entered first but said nothing, merely waited as Jim sat on the bed and painstakingly took off his shoes and socks. Feeling worse by the minute, Jim looked up at the doctor expectantly. Bones watched the tricorder readings and ignored him for another minute before beginning another rant.

"I should've known better and seen the signs. You're on hyperdrive. I know you love a vigorous exercise regime but doing that today? On an empty stomach? Haven't you learned anything?" Bones huffed, digging into his medic bag. "How long did it take you to get home?"

"Not that long," Jim stretched the truth. "I just need to eat. I'll be fine."

"You're hypoglycemic, Jim." Bones said sternly and plunged a hypo into Jim's neck. "Would you like me to list your symptoms? Your pupils are dilated. You're pale, weak, and unsteady on your feet. Your blood sugar level dropped too low..."

Jim attempted to scoot away, suddenly feeling an adverseness to all things Bones related, but the frightening scowl on the doctor's face stopped him abruptly.

"Oh, don't you try to escape what's coming to you. Rest and relaxation so you can give your speech tomorrow." Bones hands touched his leg gently, a contrast to the fierceness displayed in his expression. Jim hissed faintly as the doctor raised his leg to rest on the bed and began to work on the injury next.

"I have too much to do, Bones," Jim argued heatedly. "I can't rest and relax."

"Yes, you can and will, Jim." Bones retorted. "This is serious. We leave for deep space tomorrow - this is your one and only chance to actually take some time off for the foreseeable future! Jim, if you don't enjoy a little R&R today you're going to be in sick bay before we ever leave the solar system! Spock went to HQ in your stead since you went on a pleasant little vacation this morning. I'd accept a court martial for lying to the admirals about your whereabouts if you didn't need me along on the trip to save your sorry behind."

"Spock...he...what?" Jim mumbled, his tongue feeling thick as his head. He didn't understand why Spock went anywhere in his stead. Bones' eyebrows lifted up in surprise.

"You're telling me that you forgot that the admirals wanted to see you this morning? It's a darn good thing that Spock was available and could go on your behalf and at least delay any further questioning or the Enterprise might be sailing without her famous captain!"

"I forgot, Bones." Jim whispered helplessly.

"I can see that," Bones firmly stated. "At any rate, it was a good thing that Uhura agreed to watch over Joanna so I could go search for you."

"Doesn't she have family to see today?" Jim grumped. Although it was the least of his worries, he hoped Uhura would say nothing to Spock about Jim's appearance this morning. He doubted the communications officer would let this slip by in lieu of her sisterly concern for him.

"Well, that's a fine thank you," Bones rolled his eyes. "Just consider the inconvenience you've caused us all, Jim. Uhura is helping me out of the goodness of her heart."

"You're right," Jim said in a small voice, the truth making him feel lower than scum. "I'm sorry."

"Not your fault," Bones muttered. "Never is. At any rate, you need to eat. Let me bring it to you on a tray."

"I can make it to the table, Bones. Go see Joanna."

"Just let me do this morning, alright? I'm your doctor and your caretaker this morning."

Bones tucked an additional pillow behind him. "I'll be right back with some juice. Stay here, okay?"

Jim waited until the doctor left the room and then immediately tugged the pillow from underneath his head. He turned himself face down and shrouded the back of his head with the pillow as that action alone would stop Winona from relentlessly haunting him.

Jim hardly noticed Bones returning until the doctor quietly sunk onto the bed beside him.

"Jimmy. This isn't like you. You've been bouncing off the walls all week. This is more than forgetting to eat."

Should he or shouldn't he? Jim pressed his face further into the sheet as the debate ensued in his mind. He gripped the side of the bed until his hand hurt. How could he explain this to Bones? His conflicting emotions went beyond anything Jim ever felt for his mother before.

"Jimmy?" Justified concern filled Bones' voice.

Jim scrunched face, fighting the urge to scream at himself for being so weak as to allow the past to threaten him at such an important, pressing time. The admirals? How could he had forgotten that?

"You're worrying me."

Jim instinctively tensed. "'m fine."

"Did something happen?"

Everything happened. His ghosts showed up. He battled them every mile, every lap, twisting reason after reason not to call her until it suited him.

That's when the guilt began all over again.

In his usual concerned form, Bones' hand ran gently pushed back Jim's hair. "Jimmy. Talk to me."

Jim ruefully thought talking would be an utter waste of Bones' precious, free time. All Jim managed to do was fail, add to his guilt, and drag the remnants and ghosts of his past through his heart. It had left him bleeding and raw before- as a ridiculous emotional mess that he'd eventually suppressed on his own. He always worked through this on his own. Jim had no desire to share his indecisiveness with his best friend. As far as he knew, it wasn't share-and-tell today.

Ghosts and guilt. Unintentionally, his face dug into the mattress again. The burden weighed him down. He already felt smothered so he stayed that way. It was comfortable and familiar- and he was tired of wrestling. He'd sleep a little to clear his head. How long he lay there sinking in darkness and wanting to sleep, he didn't know but it was long enough for Bones to heave him up by the shoulders without ceremony into a sitting position. Jim reeled as a mix of white and sparkling stars swept through his vision.

"Breathe, kid. Stay with me." Bones gently guided Jim's head between his knees. "You about suffocated yourself. You want to tell me yet what's going on?

Jim slowly unbent at the waist and pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes, desperate for the world to right itself for him again.

"Jimmy, what's going on with you?" Bones asked quietly.

"Bones, I...nothing." He curled into himself out of habit and breathed, counting to ten silently. He could do this by himself, couldn't he?

"I know you, Jim. You're not telling me the truth and you can't leave your apartment like this."

"Right," Jim mumbled. How'd he forgotten about the admirals?

"This isn't something I can let you sweep under the rug. You almost passed out. That makes me involved and as your doctor, it is imperative you talked to me."

Jim guiltily backtracked.

"I'll be fine, Bones. It's been sort of hectic lately."

"That excuse is so lame you should be embarrassed." Bones scowled. "Like I said, I can't leave you like this. This is a medical issue, Jim, as much as it is an emotional one. You might as well tell me what's wrong because I'm not leaving until you do."

Knowing Bones was right and he would surely not leave until Jim acquiesced, Jim finally breathed out the name which cursed his thoughts in a straggled, informative whisper. "Winona."

"That explains it," Bones muttered. "Did she contact you?"

"No, she didn't." Jim answered woodenly.

"Jim..." Bones ran a hand through his hair. "Please tell me you didn't...you didn't contact her, did you?

Jim clenched his jaw.

"You're thinking about it though." Bones scowled again, clearly not satisfied with what he deduced from Jim's expression. "Jimmy..."

"What kind of son am I, Bones?" Jim cut in angrily, although the rage wasn't directed at Bones. It was at himself. For being foolish enough to think he could even breathe the name of the woman who abandoned him. "If I can't do even that..."

"You're the son she left to his own damn devices at the age of five and never came back save once and that "once" was after a horrific experience, one in which you rightfully place partial blame on her. She was never there for you before you turned five. She visited you once while you were knocked out cold for two weeks but never returned after you awoke. In my book, that means you don't have to call your mother. It's not something you need to think about at all today or tomorrow, Jim."

He knew all that but it didn't make him feel better.

"Jim, listen. Your blood sugar dropped too low and you're going to need a little bit of time to recover from that. You had somewhat of a panic attack just now. I want you to be able to enjoy your day. Joanna leaves this afternoon to spend the night with her mother but I'll see her one more time tomorrow." Bones explained. "Can you manage to place your mother out your mind for awhile, at least until Joanna leaves today? Then, if you really want to talk, we can?"

"How do you expect me to do that?"

"Now that you've told me, I think it will be easier. You know it's okay to confide in me, Jim, even if this such an important day for me and my daughter. I'm sorry you felt you couldn't. Think of what matters most today, Jim. Being your best for your superiors and your crew. Preparing for your speech tomorrow. Spending time with your family- Joanna, me, Spock. I think you can do that. I know you can do that."

"Alright," Jim said, feeling small and unimportant- hardly any sort of captain expected to present himself in high form and fashion tomorrow. He'd try to put her out of his mind, but he'd been trying for the past hour, failing miserably. "I...I can try."

"I know the past week or two has been exceptionally chaotic for you but look on the bright side. For the most part, today will be a piece of cake."

"Speaking of cake." Slightly inspired and wanting to appease Bones, Jim ventured. "Breakfast...can we do, oh I don't know...pancakes? Syrup? Coffee? Something with cheese? A quiche?"

"You may most certainly enjoy the bounty I already ordered. You need to eat a good, full meal, Jimmy." Bones was right- Jim did need to eat that full meal. His weight had suffered a little with the preparation and chaos but with Bones as his doctor, they'd managed to keep it to a respectable level. "Here, take this for now."

Bones handed him the juice. With a trembling hand, Jim took a few swallows of the sweet drink. He hated being so dependent on Bones today. Guiltily, he rested against the pillow and took in the worried expression of his friend.

"I'm sorry. I'm taking you away from Joanna."

"You're not taking me away from her."

"I was trying not to worry you."

"I know," Bones took out another hypo. Jim eyed it warily. Bones sighed. "Jim, me? Taking care of you? It's not an obligation. If you're not at your best, we all suffer. I want to be here for you."

Jim closed his eyes, almost cringing when Bones plunged an additional hypo into his neck. Once that was over, he rested against his pillows, doing his best to be the perfect patient. In a little while, Bones checked his vitals another time.

"Can I take a shower?" Jim asked hopefully, having seen the doctor's relief that Jim's vitals improved. "I do feel a little better already."

"Sure," Bones said softly." Go slow, Jimmy."

Nodding, Jim peeled himself carefully from the bed, now feeling significantly better from the medication Bones gave him and the juice. He walked past Bones and within ten minutes, Jim had showered and dressed. Only once had he thought of what he wasn't supposed to consider. Bones made some impossible demands of Jim sometimes, and this was one of them.

Jim paused in front of the mirror, catching a glimpse of his face. His spirits dampened, just as they had in the early hours of the morning. He'd not admit this to anyone, not even Bones, but he'd aged. Besides a line here and there along his face, the aging wasn't anything noticeable to the naked eye. It was a deeper understanding of himself that had taken flight ever since he'd died. That inward perspective grew since he'd left the hospital for good and even more when he pushed his body a few months ago for an off-the record mission no one else knew about except for Scotty and Ambassador Spock.

His inspection revealed more than just new lines along his brow or creases below his eyes. His eyes- sometimes Jim hated them. They were too brilliant, too cerulean, and too familiar when all he wanted to do some days was to blend in and have a sense of normalcy to his life. Those eyes marked him. He knew it. His crew knew it. Now, they showed him his own soul. He'd learned something.

That glimmer of maturity made this decision he struggled with even more pressing and confusing.

What had he learned? Death, that's what. It came closer to him than he'd ever wanted and Jim was certain it'd come clawing at his door again someday, teasing and taunting. Jim had Bones, though, and his unmatched, supreme medical ability. That was a good enough reason if any to proceed confidently into deep space.

Next, Jim's gaze drifted to his shoulders where it really began to get ridiculous and uncomfortable.

"You earned that, Jim." Bones came beside him quietly.

"I don't deserve it, Bones." Jim tugged at his collar, fighting the urge to wrench the jacket off.

"We all have things we don't deserve." Bones stared at the mirror. His eyes met Jim's in that way that only he could- honestly and without judgment. "I don't deserve a daughter like Joanna."

Jim frowned. "You do. Of course you do. You're a brilliant doc-"

"Jimmy," Bones cut in gently. "I don't deserve her. I drank too much, fought with her mother, and was too angry with myself to do much good for anyone."

"She doesn't think that." Jim squirmed as Bones laid before him reasons that were hardly understood or even noticed by his five year old daughter. Compared to Jim's mother, Bones was a saint. An angel. Perfect, even.

"No, but I wouldn't be any kind of real father to her unless I admit my faults and then, instead of promising her the world, take her to her favorite ice cream parlor."

As soon as Bones said the word 'ice cream,' Jim's mind stopped its warp speed attempt to understand his journey.

"You're saying I should treat my crew to banana splits? Chocolate sundaes?"

"No, I'm saying you wear this proudly because the man who believed in you expects nothing less, even though he can't say it to you now. I'm saying you let me do my job and heal your wounds when you come limping into sickbay after you saved the damn world again with another one of your crazy plans. I'm saying you let Spock do what he wants most to do and that is to stay right by your side." As Bones paused, Jim thought of a million things to say to deny that he was the one to guide them. Before he opened his mouth to state at least one of them, Bones laid a hand on his shoulder. Jim faltered as he saw himself as Bones did. It terrified him and so he waited. "I'm saying that you never be less than you are, even when it gets tough and everything appears damn near impossible."

In their silence, Jim looked down nervously and pondered his next question. It could be asking too much, especially on a day like today. Jim only wanted something good to hang on to for the rest of the day rather than the torturous indecision consuming his thoughts.

"Bones?" Ever since Winona came to his mind, Jim wanted family in the worst way and Bones and Joanna- they were his family.

"Yeah?"

"I should have a little time after I see the admirals and I know Joanna will be with you," Jim hesitated, a little wary of Bones' solemn expression. "Do you think we could...I mean...could we all go somewhere? Maybe...maybe for ice cream?"

Bones' soft smile was golden. Jim basked in relief that his best friend understood.

"Captain, it would be my pleasure."


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To all who are following this story, I hope you enjoy this next part. I admit since I am new to A03 the idea of titling chapters and adding summaries is a bit daunting...so bear with me. I may go back and adjust, but for now, I am leaving those areas blank because I'm no good at writing notes for chapters, either! Anyways, enjoy!

_"He couldn't have vanished for the second time today! Where the hell is he?"_ McCoy's voice roared through Spock's comm. Accustomed though he was to the doctor's rants, Spock could still detect true concern laced in his tone. McCoy's words bordered on frantic. _"The meeting ended over an hour ago. He agreed to meet me in the lobby of headquarters afterwards. I waited as long as I could but he never appeared or answered my comms before I was called away to check on a patient. Spock, Jim was not himself this morning and I'm worried that he did something rash. Joanna is with me now for one last visit and Jim knows that- we were all looking forward to getting together. He couldn't have just disappeared!"_

"I have inquired about the captain at all expected locations, doctor."

_"Well, check the places where you wouldn't expect him to be."_

Spock cued in to McCoy's subdued tone. "Is the captain well, doctor?"

McCoy snorted. _"You know as well as I do that the idiot never takes care of himself. He was hypoglycemic after pushing himself to exhaustion on a morning run and forgot about meeting with the admirals. He forgot! Who forgets something like that? Jim Kirk, that's who! I had to twist his arm to get him to accept medical care and gave him strict orders to not go anywhere or even think of anything except his meeting this morning."_

After a pregnant pause, Spock pressed on. "Doctor, I must ask you to calm down. Now, once again, is the captain well?"

McCoy replied curtly. _"Well, if you put it that way, he's fine. Merely missing."_

"I can only assume your concern for his whereabouts stems from concern for his well-being, beyond that of a physical nature."

 _"He's been a bit melancholy lately and yes,"_ McCoy sighed. _"I'm worried. I have even more gray hairs to prove it."_

"I will find him."

_"When you do, remind him that I moved his last medical exam to later this afternoon. Spock, it's imperative that he comms me as soon as you find him. Tell him Joanna and I are waiting for him to join us, that is, if you find him soon enough."_

"I believe you informed me he received the proper medical care already. The captain requires an additional medical exam one day prior to the five year mission?"

The thought was not so much peculiar as it was disconcerting.

_"Haven't you noticed the way he's powered through the past few weeks, Spock?"_

Spock had.

_"I'll take care of him, Spock...you just find him, okay?"_

"Certainly, doctor."

_"Wait, Spock...be careful with him."_

"Doctor, may I ask why you are warning me to be cautious?" The doctor's hesitancy caught Spock by surprise.

 _"I don't want him provoked even more or stressed added or..."_ McCoy sighed. _"There's a precarious balance with Jim's emotional and physical health when it comes to his family and unfortunately that balance was tested this morning."_

"I will employ tactfulness, then." He softened his tone as his understanding of what caused Jim's behavior dawned.

 _"That would be best. Find him. Please."_ The doctor hesitated. Spock waited with bated breath and his body coiled in expectation. The final, quiet plea held more urgency than any of the raging words previously flowing from the doctor's mouth. Subdued even more, McCoy added, _"You know, Spock. We're his family now."_

McCoy abruptly cut the connection before Spock managed to reply. The doctor had been cryptic but Spock's awareness continued to broaden.

Spock would not use logic to find the captain. Logic failed to locate Jim the past twenty-two point four minutes. Being that this was an important time in his captain's life and as McCoy informed, a precarious one, Spock allowed himself to bridge the gap to his human heritage. In doing so, he dwelled on the emotions which flooded his heart and mind following the death of his mother. He remembered the questions he had concerning his father and mother and of himself which never had been verbalized before. In the very moment his mother became lost to them all, Spock stretched out his arm with the desire to hold that moment as long as possible.

For moving beyond it meant embracing incredible pain and the dark truth.

Stepping into the first available turbolift, Spock determined where to find Jim and felt the satisfaction of being correct once again as he stepped onto the top floor of headquarters.

Jim stood back ramrod straight and jaw set before the very glass he broke the night Khan attacked HQ. His stance neither intimidated nor alerted Spock. He came unhesitatingly to Jim's side, stepping into the same light which curved and touched Jim's face.

"Dr. McCoy is looking for you."

Jim offered Spock a mere glance, only to return to his unyielding gaze out the window. As quick as it was, Spock still caught sight of a rare, fathomless and hopeless expression from Jim. A searing pain swept through Spock and instantaneously, he stepped away from Jim, unable to maintain his control as emotions tempted him to bow under his own fear. Unbeknownst to Jim, it wasn't unlike the crushing weight which frequently upended Spock's control ever since he watched his friend...Spock stopped himself abruptly before the sordid memory of the warp core corroded his ability to remain resolute and levelheaded for Jim. It would do not either of them any good if he could not provide the captain with what he may need most from Spock- the implacable logic of a Vulcan accompanied by the shield of friendship.

"I forgot."

"Captain?" He asked softly, to offer Jim a moment of explanation while he composed himself.

Jim swallowed. "I forgot to say goodbye to my mother."

"If you wish to do so-"

"God help me, but I don't."

"I believe that it is not necessary."

"Says the Vulcan who..." Jim laughed half-heartedly and shook his head. "Spock, I must."

"How will that conversation benefit either of you?"

Jim frowned. "Well, I suppose it will lessen the guilt a little, for the both of us. Or maybe just for me."

"Is it enough to outweigh the detrimental effects?"

Jim pressed a hand upon the glass. "No. She was no mother to me, Spock."

The quiet admission settled badly in Spock's stomach.

"Will you look back on this decision and think poorly of yourself?"

Jim leaned his head against the glass and sighed. "I have a mother with whom I do not speak. I have a mother. That should be enough, shouldn't it?"

"It should." The honesty spilled from his mouth before he could stop it. Nyota warned him to speak with more tact, especially around Jim during the final week before the five-year mission. Admittedly, Spock forgot or perhaps, unfortunately, he did not understand his captain as much as he thought he did. Instead of honesty Spock should have chosen the truth, Jim's truth- it was not enough for Jim Kirk.

Jim's hand reached for his pocket in a halting fashion. More disconcerting was the uncharacteristic fumbling of his fingers and struggle as Jim pulled out his comm from his pocket.

Remembering McCoy's request, Spock cautioned Jim."You do not have to do this, Jim."

"Yes, I do." Jim's lips pressed into a thin but determined line.

"Jim..."

"Stay. Please?"

Spock inclined his head after a nanosecond of hesitation. Better to assist Jim now than to leave Jim alone without his support. "Of course."

Jim nodded quietly and hunched his shoulders. He somewhat angled his torso away from Spock, perhaps to hide the slight tremors of his fingers as he proceeded to comm his mother. Spock could not glance away. Logic told him that McCoy was best suited to assist Jim in such a personal matter but the way Jim had pleaded with him to stay deterred him in a most satisfying manner. Spock could not refuse.

Jim's face hardened before the conversation with his mother even began. At first Spock stood a mere inch and a half away from brushing shoulders with Jim, waiting and listening. The woman Jim held in contempt- for things in which Spock was ignorant of save his own calculated assumptions- paused in shock that her son chose to speak with her.

Words between the two were awkward, nothing grandiose and not a single one forgiving. Spock kept vigil over his captain. Ten seconds into the conversation, however, Jim swallowed nervously and Spock's own anxiety rose. His desire to tear the comm from Jim's hands- as illogical as the feeling was- consumed him until Jim fixed a helpless and pleading gaze upon Spock.

"Spock," Jim mouthed, face paling. Without a second thought, Spock closed that one and a half inch gap he'd kept between himself and the captain.

Jim's shoulder relaxed comfortably against Spock. It reminded Spock of a similar time several months ago when Jim had returned after a month's absence. The captain had faced the wrath of a certain doctor when he discovered that Jim's physical state had deteriorated without due cause. Spock had offered support, accidentally at that time, when Jim's physical struggle upon his return was too much for the captain. Spock's hand breached the usual hair's breadth of distance between them and he unconsciously touched the captain's shoulder during McCoy's tirade. Jim and Spock discussed it at a later date, Jim thanking him sincerely for the sense of peace it had bestowed upon him. They'd not discussed it since.

However, in this particular moment, as they stood by the glass together, Spock discovered that he could not fault the doctor's concern for the captain. Spock sensed it all, including the utter relief which raced through Jim's mind that Spock stood by his side. He felt the hate, the love, the fear, the desire, the disappointment, and the resentment Jim had for the woman who gave birth to him and then left him with an abusive uncle at the tender age of five.

He felt something else, something so incredibly terrifying that Jim fought against it with all he had. It evoked questions within Spock. Undeniably, Spock wished to demand answers. Jim's heart raced dangerously fast and his captain needed him in a different way, not challenging a barrier Jim kept. Instead, Spock focused on doing what Jim had asked.

That Jim trusted him to let Spock come in contact with him in such a way amazed Spock. He could not do more than what was requested. He would not betray Jim's trust. With the barest of touch, he provided the human with a sense of calmness. He soothed him and provided Jim with what he needed to regain his confidence. Spock continued this well past the moment Jim's heart rate stabilized. They stayed this way, shoulder to shoulder, and in time, Jim's pallor normalized and his hands ceased their abnormal tremors. Jim closed his eyes with a sigh and pressed into Spock even more.

_"Be safe, Jimmy."_

"I will," Jim cleared his throat. "Bye...mo-"

Jim closed his mouth abruptly before he formed the endearment entirely. His mother cut in, maybe to relieve them both. It was wise of her, nonetheless.

_"Good-bye, son."_

The woman's words were whispered and final. The comm lay in the palm of his hand, forgotten as Jim returned to gaze out the expanse before him and at some unknown point. Spock reached out his hand and took the comm from Jim's palm, touching him incidentally once more. Jim didn't notice, only stared impassively. Spock closed the comm and held it tightly within his own hand. He slightly distanced himself from Jim with careful precision.

"Jim." Spock said softly.

Jim said nothing as his eyes fixed continuously and vacantly beyond the glass of HQ. Spock inwardly cringed at the almost hollow look in those eyes. He waited another moment in silence, taking in Jim's struggle to regain control of himself once again.

"Thank you." Jim hoarsely whispered.

"You are welcome, Jim. I am sorry." Spock vocalized the human sentiment he calculated most appropriate. As he did, he realized its absolute truth. He desired more than anything to take away the pain tormenting his captain and he was, indeed, sorry for all that Jim endured to create such a turbulent relationship with his mother.

"That you know how wretched a mother I have and you don't even know the half-" Jim's mouth slammed shut. The captain turned, the vulnerable expression flickering upon his face as he tried to contain his emotions.

"It was the honorable thing to do."

"It was the only thing to do, besides maybe throwing myself a party and hanging out in Iowa with my estranged big brother and ever-absent mother." Jim said bitterly.

"I believe that would fall under...foolishness."

Jim flashed one of his ever-familiar, cocky grins. "Yeah, well, the amount of alcohol I'd have to intake to survive that kind of party would be foolhardy, wouldn't it?"

"Indeed," Spock nodded, noting once more Jim's effortless infusion of light-heartedness into an otherwise serious situation. Spock let it go and chose to move beyond the conversation for his captain's sake. "Dr. McCoy has moved your final exam to this afternoon. Joanna is with him now. He also said he and Joanna are waiting for you."

"Ice cream." Jim's face lit up and he practically sprinted away from the window. "I forgot."

"Ice cream?"

"You're coming, too, Spock," Jim called out, now walking backwards. "Please?"

"I have-"

"Nothing better to do than to spend an hour eating ice cream with friends, right?" Jim stopped, fortunately so, as he barely missed crashing into two lieutenants. "Spock?"

Dr. McCoy's warning rang in his ears. _Be careful with him._

Jim's lack of family to say good-bye to today crushed a part of Spock. The part of him that had been frequently touched by Jim's disappointments and hurts in the past. But he was Jim's family now.

"You know me all too well, Jim." With five strides Spock caught up to the man, who with one small and almost insignificant act, taught him about honor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The 'month's absence' Spock refers to is eventually revealed in my first Star Trek fic, Escape Artist. Eventually, I may post that story here. For now, the reasons behind Jim's absence at that time must remain a mystery.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are! This is the end to this short and, hopefully, sweet story. You may see the next story in this particular verse pop up here in the coming few months. I wrote it over a year ago, so I will be editing Escape Artist before I post. I am also in the process of writing two other stories so, again, posting will be delayed. At any rate, this isn't the last you will be seeing of me here on A03!

"Vulcan ice cream? Never knew there was such a thing. You couldn't just try the chocolate?" Mouth full, Bones questioned Spock with a straight face.

Rolling his eyes, Jim scooped another bite of his sundae. He winked at the giggling five-year-old girl on his lap just as an old-fashioned bell jingled playfully against the door of the parlor.

"Scotty!" Jim exclaimed. The engineer grinned at the group sitting on barstools at the long counter. In seconds, however, Scotty was taken in as much as Joanna had been by the row upon row of flavors and options listed on the screen above them. Jim was about to comment on the coincidence of meeting him here when he spotted Sulu behind him and then Chekov. "I...wait. Bones?"

"What?" Bones asked innocently, shoveling an embarrassing amount of ice cream into his mouth once again. How Joanna managed to have better manners than her father, Jim did not know. "Maybe this is just a coincidence?"

"The kind of coincidence that happens to roll in five more people?" Jim guffawed, taking in the two women whose smiles he'd recognize anywhere. Nyota promptly kissed him on the cheek and gave Joanna a gentle hug and bright greeting before she found her seat next to Spock. Taken captive by Carol's arrival, however, Jim hardly noticed. Jim felt considerable disappointment as Carol stood slightly apart and made no move to kiss him on the cheek as Nyota had.

"Captain Kirk." The perfectly composed blonde sweetly smiled down at Joanna. "It's so nice to see you again, Joanna."

The little girl bobbed her head up and down and smiled in return, unmindful that her mouth was full of strawberries and vanilla ice cream. When the spoon in her hand drifted towards Jim, he couldn't resist.

"Mmm, my favorite," he said as he tasted the sweet treat. Joanna giggled.

"I wuv my Uncle Jim." Joanna's wide eyes peered up at Carol. "He's goin' 'way with daddy. For a wong, wong time."

It was all the kid seemed to want to say that day. Jim's heart squeezed tightly. He'd miss her. He couldn't imagine what Bones was feeling. Jim could feel his eyes upon them both now.

"We'll take good care of them for you," Carol kindly promised.

"Dr. Marcus," Jim frantically reached and grabbed his jacket off the stool beside him. "Have a seat."

"Thank you." With the gracefulness Jim already knew her to have, Carol shimmied onto the stool. Awestruck, Joanna stared at Carol with her wide blue eyes, ice cream forgotten for a moment. She'd first met Carol during a visit to Jim when he recuperated from his irradiation in the hospital. Bones mentioned to Jim that Joanna was awfully shy with the science officer. "I'm sorry if we surprised you but we all had a few moments to spare."

"I'm not sorry." He grinned at the small child his lap. "The more the merrier."

"Aye, Captain, that be the way to think of it," Scotty slapped a hand on the counter. "As long as our portions are just as fair."

Soon orders were placed and fulfilled. After she'd eaten all of her dessert, Joanna took off for her father's lap, long locks of hair bouncing playfully about her shoulders and down her back. Jim quietly finished his alone and took pleasure in observing those whom Bones secretly invited.

If he was to count on the loyalty of any one of his crew to him as their captain, he could depend on the rest to follow suit. Chekov was as faithful as an excitable pup with his new master, more brilliant and happy than any other young man Jim could name. Jim considered Pavel the younger brother he never had and had sworn to himself to protect and lead during the upcoming mission. Jim played with his spoon as the solemnity of the next five years became more definitive. His adventurous side usually monopolized his outlook on life, but as he considered the other names on his mental list, the weight of responsibility overcame him and replaced the thrill of exploration.

Sulu and Uhura teased each other, purposely provoking Chekov's laughter. Bones, now with Joanna in his arms, sat on the other side of Carol and the two were deep in discussion, heads bent. Scotty worked on a second order of ice cream and as Jim's gaze fell on Spock, he self-consciously cleared his throat.

Spock perused him closely and possibly had ever since Jim took note of his crew as they ate. An empty stool between but it made no difference. It was if the first officer parked right beside Jim, his gaze so intent and filled with concern.

"Thanks for coming, Spock." Jim offered, feeling slightly awkward now that Spock knew a little more of his relationship with his mother. He hadn't given it much thought until now and shame pricked him as he realized how that could appear. Jim sighed as he waited for Spock's reply. How different this was compared to a night on the town but it seemed fitting. It reminded him of the rare but simpler times in his life, ones far removed from where he was headed tomorrow on the Enterprise. They'd all taken a short time from their own duties and family visits. Jim couldn't quite comprehend why this would be such a priority, but he wouldn't complain. His family was Bones, Joanna, Spock...his crew.

"I have enjoyed myself, Captain"

Jim nodded at Spock absently, still contemplating the strangeness of life that was his. For a few months his days held a rhythm that he expected and welcomed. Now, faced with uncertainty and an awesome responsibility, the ice cream only increased the cold, looming, and incredible sense of unpreparedness and unworthiness.

"Thank you, Jim."

"For what?" Jim's mind raced as he contemplated everything he wanted to check one last time and hoped that Bones would not be upset with him if he missed that exam.

"Being you."

Jim attempted to hide his surprise with a shrug. "Being me is perhaps the only thing I know how to do well."

Wouldn't everyone know how to be themselves well? Jim turned a mental circle thinking about how he simply he responded to that statement. He wasn't always himself very well: his struggle to speak with his mother was one such example.

The ice cream must have dulled his own logic.

Spock only smiled. "Precisely."

Jim frowned. He wanted a better explanation, one that didn't involve too much thought but the first officer lifted himself out of his seat and politely interrupted Bones and Carol.

"Riddles," Jim muttered.

"Captain?" Carol left the other conversation, hair swishing as she turned with another smile.

"Have you noticed those two acting funny?"

"Not at all. They appear to be enjoying their time here with you."

"They're talking in riddles." He mused again, having no desire to unveil all his insecurities to anyone at the moment. He never was one to open up, and most certainly not to Dr. Marcus, no matter how beautiful she was.

She even wore the smidgen of whipped cream on her nose with the grace of a model.

He tried to keep a straight face but wasn't quite as skilled at it as Bones. "You got...um...some..."

"Jim?" Carol asked quizzically.

"Here." He grabbed her unused napkin and carefully patted the top of her nose. "Whipped cream."

"Oh!" Her hands went instantly to her flushing face. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." Enjoying the fact that he'd made the prim and proper scientist blush, Jim grinned. As Carol's hands dropped slowly to her lap, Jim spied a familiar garland of green peaking out from underneath her shirt sleeve. It delicately encircled her slender wrist.

"So, you're the aunt?" He cocked his head at her, surprised at the way his day had come full-circle. Carol had a brother, but he hadn't been aware that he had any children.

"I am," she smiled softly, hands gracefully twirling the Gemini. "Honorary aunt, actually. Ann is one of my dearest friends. Matthew wanted me to wait to tell you until you noticed I wore it. He knew you would and he was right. You're observant, Captain Kirk. It was that perception which helped you to notice my lost nephew this morning. His cousin has not been kind to Matthew since he lost his hearing and Matthew was frightened by Drake's actions. I can't tell you enough how grateful his mother was that you took the time to fix his unit and remain with him until she found him. Thank you."

"You're welcome." Jim cleared his throat, uncomfortable at receiving such flattery from the usually cool science officer. "He's a fine boy."

"He is. Captain, I was surprised to hear you knew how to sign. Where did you learn such a skill?"

Jim glanced down at his hands, fingers twiddling with his own ice cream cup and spoon. He didn't dare say where. No one but Bones knew how much he'd learned on Tarsus. He swallowed and looked up at her eager expression, almost willing her to retract her question. Was he to be battled all day long by his demons?

"Jimmy, is this what you meant by getting sidetracked earlier?"

He blinked at Bones and Spock. Both men had appeared out of nowhere. Jim breathed a sigh relief at Bones timely interruption. Once again, Bones had come through for him. His best friend watched him knowingly, a hint of smile appearing on his face. "Yeah," Jim said softly.

"Your run was well worth your struggle this morning, Jim." Spock's eyes thoughtfully regarded Jim.

Concern flooded Carol's expression. "Jim?"

"I...uh...had a bit of an issue getting home. I forgot to eat before I left this morning, but Bones," Jim took a breath and exhaled slowly before continuing, "as always, fixed the problem and I'm fine now."

"I'm sorry," she regarded him curiously. "Captain, you should know that you fulfilled his dream."

"His dream?"

"Of meeting you." Carol warm smile grew.

"I'm glad to hear that. Someday, I'd like to talk with him again."

"I'm most certain that I could work that out for you, captain." Carol's eyes fluttered from him down to her melting ice cream.

Occupied as that she was with finishing her ice cream, Jim stared unabashedly at her. He stored in his memory the fact that Carol's entire face lit up at the sight of that chocolate mint sundae. When Jim saw Bones' smirk and Spock's raised eyebrows he realized he'd been staring a bit too long. He cleared his throat and quickly slid off the stool. Truthfully, he preferred a proper professional relationship with Dr. Marcus. Besides, his lesson in family today proved to him who he needed by his side. "Sorry to make this so short, everyone, but I have some other things to do."

He said his goodbyes, the hardest one being to the little girl before him. The past month Jim squeezed as much time as he could with Bones and Joanna. Being her surrogate uncle filled him with pride. He needed Bones, Spock, and Joanna as much as he needed air to breathe.

The warmth bubbling from their happy memories together did nothing to alleviate his heartache as he bent at the knees before her. Bones stood beside Joanna, hand gently upon her shoulder and eyes watching Jim with just as much care. Jim inhaled sharply and shoved everything else to the background, including the careful, ever-watchful eyes of Nyota and Carol.

"Hey," he tugged teasingly at one of Joanna's curls. "Can I have a hug goodbye?"

Joanna sniffed but shook her head.

"No?" Jim said slowly. "I can give you one, is that okay?"

She shook her head again, this time putting her fingers in her mouth and leaning into the legs of her father.

"I'm sorry, Joanna," Jim said gravely. He looked helplessly up at Bones, who looked just as stricken as Jim felt. Jim reached out and grasped Joanna's other tiny hand, giving her a smile. As soon as he did, Joanna rushed forward and wrapped her arms around him the best she could. Jim blinked back the tears as she pulled him into an embrace with those sweet, trusting arms.

"You're the best, Joanna," he whispered to her, delighting in the innocent affection she had for him. She was the sweetest and brightest child he'd ever known. "Don't forget that I'll see you tomorrow."

"After your speech?"

"Yes, that's right." Jim replied softly. "You'll get to talk with your Uncle Jim. It won't seem like I'm that far away, I promise."

She sniffed and nodded, head now nestled in his shoulder. "Wuv you."

Jim squeezed his eyes shut. "Right back at you, kid."

After another moment Jim stood, Joanna in his arms, and reluctantly transferred her to Bones. His heart nearly tore in two. Their goodbye today seemed as difficult as he imagined would be tomorrow. Transitioning from that difficult separation, Jim shrugged on his coat. He turned to his crew and gave lighthearted reminders that he'd be seeing them all very, very soon. Jim made his way to the door, mind already churning with last minute details.

"Jim-"

"Yes, Bones. I'll try."

"Jimmy." Bones called out his warning again.

Jim paused at the door, waiting as Bones approached him. Joanna sniffled in her father's arms. Bones whispered in her ear and the girl smiled tremulously at Jim.

"Daddy says you need to wisten to him or you're in big trouble," she peered mischievously at Jim. "With me."

These two men knew him better than anyone ever had in his entire life, save Admiral Pike. Spock and Bones had somehow realized before he did that this particular day would be more significant to him than the following one. For starters, today marked the end to his selfish existence. He could no longer push these friends away and would do as Bones requested. From this point forward he would permit Bones to heal his wounds and would begin to accept support from his closest friends. Jim considered a final medical exam unnecessary, but now realized that he would concede. It would assuage the doctor who was already beginning to complain.

"I'll try my best, Jo." Jim chuckled and drew another smile from the little girl. "I wouldn't want to get on your bad side."

"I have to make sure your vitals are better than they were this morning. You can't 'try,' Jim. Meet me at your apartment in one hour," Bones frowned. "Where are you going, anyways? Jim, I told you to stay low today."

"Don't worry. I understand. Just a short walk, to clear my head."

"Captain," Spock came behind Bones. "May I join you?"

Jim smiled widely. "I'd like that."

Jim glanced at the child who loved her father with the fierce, McCoy love that Jim knew of firsthand. "Thanks, Bones...for this."

"No problem," Bones expression softened. "We're family. We take care of each other. It goes both ways Jim. Don't forget that."

Bones' reprimand, although gentle, was necessary. This morning Jim had forgotten and his friends had pursued him, nonetheless. He was gradually learning to let others care for him. The concept still seemed strange ever since meeting Bones, especially when his past attacked him with the intensity that it had earlier.

"You're right. Thank you." He gave Bones a small smile, genuine in its essence but slightly shaken by his own emotions. He made no move to leave but continued in a quiet manner for the doctor. "Bones, you don't have to promise her the world. You give her the world every time you're there for her, holding her like this or talking with her from a starship a million miles away. It doesn't matter, Bones. You are her world."

The bells jingled lazily behind him. Jim walked away assuredly, having seen the surprised and thankful expression of the doctor. Spock silently accompanied Jim. Their casual strides were equally matched and the comfort between them more palpable than ever before. The mid-day sun filtered through the trees and buildings. Shadows cast upon the sidewalk, but Jim saw only stars, those who were his family. They lit the way and guided him through the surrounding darkness that was both his past and his fears.

Jim smiled to himself, fully content in the immeasurable pleasure of having his family by his side.


End file.
